It always starts in the same place. It’s all still as clear as if it were yesterday. I walk in the front door. Couch is on the right. Beer bottles and wedding pictures scattered all over the coffee table. Beer for him. Wine for me. I drank white at the time.. probably Chardonnay. More beer for him. We talked. He was sad. That’s was why I was there. He was sad and said he wanted to talk. More beer. He was angry and hurt. More angry. We played darts. More beer. Hey, did I want to try this alcohol his brother sent him from another state? Sure. Ok. Just a sip or two. I trusted him. It was clear and in a clear glass. It tasted bitter. I remember everything vividly up until that point. Then that drink. Then there’s nothing. Nothing. Just a flash of some green light and a long blank space. Then I’m waking up on my bed and it’s just another day. On the surface, everything looks normal. How deceiving looks can be.
I found out what happened, the hard way. It’s not like there was going to be an easy way. I won’t go into the details. Use your imagination, then take that and tie it up, twist it into the most perverse experience no halfway sane person would ever willingly participate in and welcome to my fog. Like I said.. he was really angry. So humiliating me and my family for the rest of my life, was his solution. Sadly, if you can believe it, the actual event itself wasn’t nearly as damaging as the domino effect it caused. The pain it caused my family. Not me, my family. Like the mushroom after a nuclear explosion. It kept spreading. Is there anything juicier for a small town? Those sweet Christians who, to this very day, will not sit close to me in a group of ladies. They weren’t there. They have no clue. But I might be contagious. Better safe than sin.
It’s been so long now, but I continue to carry it. There’s not ever a day that it doesn’t cross my mind at least once. Sometimes I try to figure out what was in the glass. Sometimes I try to not think about it at all. Sometimes, like recently, no matter how hard I try, it’s forced back into my view. There’s always, always someone .. some loud, obnoxious, humpback, half-man & her gimpy, blubber-faced sidekick, just waiting to take a swing at me, but only behind my back. That’s the thing about cowards, liars & fiddlers of other people’s funds .. as long as it’s in the dark or under a rock, there’s no level they won’t stoop to. No spine. No conscience. Not even a concern that God or Karma or the universe might just circle back around on them.
People like that don’t bother me. They never have. They’re people eaters. I take a good look and figure, it could be worse.. I could be them. But I’ve never had a hump on my back. No one will mistake me for a man, even if I don’t have my makeup on. I don’t have oozing sores, knotted hands or Saint Bernard jowels that flap in the breeze if I shake my head. I have so many friends who want to spend time with me. They don’t groan and dread the day because I’m on my way. Being a people eater comes with its own set of ugly problems. I let God fight those battles for me. He knows what He’s doing. And He always has my back, no matter who’s trying to put a knife in it.
This short story really is all too familiar. Hopefully not the worst part, but the tearing people apart part. That’s common. Too common. We shower, shave & sing the love of God & mankind. Then we dig for dirt like we’re trying to win the last train ticket to heaven. Folks, there’s something bad wrong with that. No. We don’t have the right and it’s not our responsibility, to arbitrarily take it upon ourselves to “out” what we consider someone else’s shortcomings. No matter what it looks like, we just might not know all of the facts. That’s why God is who He is and we’re not Him.
I wish I could say I just quietly turn the other cheek every time this surfaces. Obviously, I don’t. But this is the first time I’ve addressed it. There are a very few things that will honestly snap my last nerve and dragging my family back through this, is at the top of the list. Let me be clear here, just so you know: I do not get hurt, upset or embarrassed anymore. Not even a little bit. Just as I’m called to do, I take it and try to use it to help someone else. If you can’t understand that, then you’re a people eater and you have way bigger problems than me. I wish you luck with that.
Colorful Chaos 