Living in limbo.. that’s me. And I don’t mean the cool, “shimmy under the broomstick, how low can you go?” limbo. Oh no. That would be way too much fun. I mean the limbo that keeps your entire life so up in the air that you don’t have a direction or a plan or even a timeframe when that might change. Limbo. That strange place between worlds where you’re not moving forward but not going backwards either.
Hello my friend and thank you for joining me! If you’re new to my page, welcome! If you’ve read my words before, thank you so very much for coming back. Your wordy girl is still hanging in there, figuring out my corner of the world, a little more each day. Finding my voice again. Finding my faith again. And finding myself. The last two years have really been unbelievable. A constant barrage of hard, shocking, excruciating, terrifying, amazing, beautiful, revealing, life taking.. and life giving. All the things. Yet here I am, still standing, and the best version of myself that I’ve ever been.
Quick recap for those new to my page. I lost both of my parents a month apart. Eight months later, I lost my husband. The grief was, and some days still is, just overwhelming. Time doesn’t stop so we can try to wrap our minds around a new, empty reality. And neither do the bills. Nothing stops. Nothing slows down. I tried so hard to keep up. I tried to function. I tried to focus on running my catering business, even though I could barely string two words together. I stayed up all night, mind racing, afraid to close my eyes. I cried all day every day for months. I had never even experienced grief and I was drowning in it.
Fast forward to today and I’ll spare you a million tedious details. I can’t believe it’s been a year. Time sure flies when you’re in the twilight zone. Looking at me then and looking at me now, I clearly see two different people. I was broken. I was confused. I was scared. I was lost. I was alone. And in that time, when I was so raw I couldn’t remember what it felt like to not hurt, and I was so exhausted that I didn’t want to get back up.. I heard His voice. I heard Him. I heard Jesus again. The loving Jesus I met as a young girl. The almighty, everliving God of our fathers. The Holy Spirit .. the very breath of God, spoke peace and comfort to me. And I knew I was no longer alone in this.
Now.. there’s a certain amount of fitting in that we all must do. It’s how we exist from day to day. It’s how we succeed. We go with the flow. But Christians are called to be different. We’re not supposed to fit in. Which is actually a good thing for me because I never have. But here’s where I personally lost my way. In just keeping up with our new super-duper, fast paced modern life, I didn’t make time for God. I made time for television and social media, but I gradually stopped spending time in prayer. I started saying a quick “goodnight Lord, please bless my friends and family” before I dozed off. I took my faith for granted, which means I took my God for granted, too. It’s no wonder I wasn’t prepared when grief hit me like a freight train. And it’s no surprise that God caught me when I fell.
So, I started this entry about livin’ in limbo. Because I am. My whole life, I’ve always been a “tell me what you want & I’ll run with it” kind of girl. Give me the basics and I’ve got it from there. Let me fix it. Let me make it. Let me take it to a whole new level, whatever it is. Just don’t leave me hanging. But that’s exactly where I am, at least for a while longer. Living in limbo. And it’s finally, finally OK with me. I don’t know why I felt like I could only truly, deeply praise God when everything was in order. Maybe I thought there was no way He could ever be in the midst of chaos and my life has had its fair share of that. What I know now is what I should have known all along. He brings peace to the chaos. When I’m in the middle of my biggest storm, He’s not just beside me. He has His arms around me and He won’t let go. Why would I ever run from that? Bring on the limbo. God will dance it with me.
Jezebel diaries * day 9 * cliff notes * grief will absolutely change you. hold tight to your faith so the change is a good one. * yes, I hear God’s voice and the ladies on The View can stick that in their microphones * come to Jesus with a child’s faith and He’ll teach you how to be a grown up * social media keeps us from socializing * Jesus will happily do the limbo with me. we’ve got this.
Colorful Chaos 