“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31
Walk and not faint. That sounds like heaven right now. Walk and not fall. Walk and not trip. Or walk and not get lost navigating the knots. My beautiful life tapestry is full of knots. Some are small knots.. but most are huge. Some are of my own making.. but most are not. Still, there they are, odd tangles everywhere marring the peaceful beauty I keep imagining for myself. How in the world can Jesus possibly weave something beautiful and perfect from this confusing, ugliness that is my life?
I’ve been struggling with this entry way more than I usually do. Hence the months since I’ve posted. Well, to be fair I’ve also been busy throwing my world into a twenty-five yard dumpster. If you’ve never done it, let me warn you it’s not for sissies. This has been the makeover from Hell, inside my house and inside myself. And now I have knots. Everywhere. Angry knots. Confused knots. Scared knots. Sobbing knots. I cry to Jesus every day. My heart aches in places I didn’t know were there. My life tapestry is a knotted mess.
Trying to describe the last 3 months in a blog post would be a mixture of Disney meets Jaws meets Jesus. Happiness meets desolation meets resurrection. And that’s where The Master Weaver comes in. The fixer of all things broken. The great un-knotter of me. While I’ve been hysterically spinning out of control, staying up all night just walking my house or crying myself to sleep.. unraveling, basically. Jesus has been patiently working, patiently weaving, patiently working out every single knot.
And I am once again humbled.
Sometimes .. and we all know this but somehow I clearly seem to have forgotten that sometimes .. it’s possible to be too close to something to see it. Lately, the overwhelming enormity of life smacks me in the face hard, often and repeatedly until I forget (ever so briefly) that not only am I unbreakable, but there is way more to my story and I’m going to be the one to tell it. Fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalms 139:14). God’s masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10). Beautifully stitched together by The Master Weaver. While I’m busy being full of myself and caught up in the chaos, He reminds me to stop, to trust and to look at what He’s already done.
And I am once again humbled.
I’ve come to realize that I praise God and His goodness with my voice. I say out loud that I have faith. I tell my friends that “God’s got me”. But in the quiet moments, I question. I wonder. I doubt. I fear. There’s no happiness anymore.. just waiting for my situation to get better and then I’ll praise Him again. When Jesus fixes this mess, maybe He’ll deserve my gratitude, right? Wrong. And bam. Just like that, there it is. A realization that literally brought me to my knees. The really ugly truth about the really ugly me. I’m the reason the tapestry of my life is in knots. No one else. Just me.
And I am once again humbled.
Jesus’ love for me is unconditional. How is it that my love for Him, isn’t? Where is my faith? Where is my joy? I always complicate the simplest of concepts. Always. The joy of my salvation is exactly that. Happiness from knowing Christ as my Lord. That’s it. Simplicity itself. It’s not based on what He does or doesn’t do. It’s not based on my situation. It’s not based on the knots in my life, or it’s not supposed to be. (Psalm 51:12) “Lord, this heart is hurting. Restore to me the joy of my salvation”. He is where I begin. He is where I end. He is everything in between. Why would I ever need more than that?
And I am once again humbled.
* Weaver’s Way * day 3 * cliff notes * I’m super clumsy * when I trip over my own knots, God picks me right back up * not all makeovers are fun * if growing pains were meant to feel good, they’d call them something else * Jesus takes my knots and makes them beautiful * He weaves my tapestry & keeps my heart warm * and also He loves me most when I’m at my ugliest * that’s why He’s the Master Weaver and I’m the thread * and I am once again humbled *
Colorful Chaos 