*New Roads Less Traveled* Following my path .. and my heart* Because God*

I’ve debated for weeks about this entry. It’s by God’s grace alone that I’m here to share it now. I haven’t made any notes or outlined my thoughts, so it’s probably pretty raw and possibly a little scattered. We already know my tenses aren’t always right. But if my story is going to help anyone else, I have to tell it, don’t I? Somewhere, there’s someone else whose life has gotten heavy. Hard and heavy. And dark. Pitch black. Cold. Lonely. Scary. Hopeless. All the things. And that person needs to know that this is not their end. They are not alone. And this is not the way they’re going out. Because God.

The picture you see was my “plan”. It’s a bottle of blood thinners and a box cutter. Pink. Ordered from Amazon for the occasion. It came in a set of two, which was a better buy. Weird, the things you think about when you’re making such a plan. At the time, saving that extra fifty cents seemed like the right thing to do. As if removing myself from the world, somehow, wasn’t the wrong thing to do. I didn’t see any way out of the black hole I kept waking up in every single day. And I truly believed, deep down, my absence wouldn’t make a difference to anyone. If you’ve ever been where I was, you know that suffocating emptiness. Yet I’m here today, a stronger, happier me than ever before. Because God.

I went to church for a lot of years without ever having met Jesus. I went through all the motions. I talked about Him. Sang about Him. Prayed to Him. But somehow I never really knew Him. My walk was shallow at best, and at worst, it was dangerous to others struggling with their own faith. I was not a good example. Gradually I stopped going to church altogether. I was still a good person, right? I had walked the aisle, said the right words. Everywhere I looked there was someone living a life way worse than me. I was comfortable to keep ‘keeping on’ and give God whatever I had leftover, which was pretty much nothing. But even then, when I ignored Him, shamed Him, even raged at Him, He always loved me anyway. Because God.

The change was fairly slow but the damage was constant. Damage to myself, my relationships, my family. For years. When the Bible talks about God’s children wandering in the desert, I absolutely get it. Then the day came when I either stopped hearing God’s voice or He just stopped speaking to me. Either way, when the bottom fell out, I found myself alone. My entire life was crumbling so fast, it was like quicksand. The harder I tried, the worse things got. And let me tell you that when God wants His child to come back home, He will do whatever it takes to get their attention. Hear me.. WHATEVER it takes. For some people, it’s a simple God spanking and they’re right back where they’re supposed to be. But there are “others” who refuse to listen. It’s me.. I’m “others”. And God will pursue these other children until they stop running FROM Him and run TO Him. When I tell you that God picked me up, skinned me alive, turned me inside out and then body slammed me back to Him, I’m 1000% serious. This was my turning point. This was when I fell to my knees and begged to hear God’s voice again. And He spoke to me again. He left the ninety and nine for me. Because God.

You know, it’s so, so true that we never know what someone else is dealing with. My whole life, I can’t lay down alone at night without looking in the closet and under the bed. Repeatedly. I usually leave a light on and stay awake until somewhere between 3-4 am. That seems to be the time it’s easier for me to fall asleep. Nobody but my sister knows this. It’s not something that shows anymore than me ordering a pink box cutter. I guess that’s the main reason for sharing this now. God told me it was time and I’m happy to say that I’ve finally learned to listen. When I ran across the items in the photo today, I knew. Someone reading this is facing something hard. Really hard. Someone is tired, scared, losing hope and nobody knows. My sweet friend, this is to you.. I promise you, your sun is about to rise. Because God.

So I have a new plan now. One that’s overflowing with happiness. One that’s full of faith and family. One that is a daily testimony to the unbelievable healing power of Jesus. One that won’t fail. Because God.

*New Roads Less Traveled* because God * cliff notes * everyone has a beauty pageant wave.. that doesn’t mean they’re happy * God would prefer that we listen when He speaks * He has some crazy mad admonition skills when we don’t *wandering in the desert wasn’t just for the Israelites * there’s nothing better than coming home * your sun is rising because God’s son is risen * so hold on *