I know I haven’t written as often in the last year. Not because God hasn’t been busy in my life. Just the opposite. He’s moved in such ways that He wanted to make absolutely sure I didn’t mistake His will for coincidence. As I painstakingly restored my new home, one room at a time, God restored me..one break at a time. A broken heart. A broken spirit. A broken trust. A broken plan. A broken road. A broken life. The broken list was long. But God knew the list. He watched me make the list. His tears fell every time I added to the list. Every single time. But He never stopped loving me. And He never gave up.
I lost count of the number of times I wanted to give up on this place. Overwhelmed, exhausted, scared, lost and everything hurt but my eyelashes.. I bawled. Over and over and over. I screamed. I cried. I prayed. I screamed some more. I cried some more. I tried to pray some more. But I looked at myself and hated everything I saw. I couldn’t understand how God didn’t hate me too.
Each day I’d wake up and, with zero excitement or anticipation, I’d choose something to work on. Paint a room. Take apart a closet. Rip up carpet. Move something heavy. Whatever. And as I began, I would immediately see that each thing I tried to work on, had other things that had to be fixed or done first. I would want to finish something as quickly as possible. But every time I would find myself having to backtrack, because in my hurry to shortcut the process, I skipped a step. If I decided to paint a wall, I’d grab brush and paint and get started. Soon I’d be going all over the house looking for the ladder, a hammer to pull out the nails I should have already pulled, the painters tape because I can’t see, let alone paint a straight line and a drop cloth or two.
Every night I’d go to bed feeling totally defeated. Depressed. Inadequate. Not enough. Not smart enough, not strong enough, not rich enough, not important enough, not Christian enough, just not enough. I would make a weak effort to say my prayers, then fall asleep dreading the next day. I did this for months. It seemed like it would never end.
Then gradually, my home began to take shape. Slowly, so did I. Each time I fixed something, I felt a sense of pride. After repairing even the worst of the worst places, I couldn’t see where the weak spots had been. Before too long, the first room was completely finished. And beautiful. Then another room. Then another. I started going to bed not dreading waking up. I started spending more and more time in prayer. Real prayer. Soul cleansing talks with Jesus that made me hunger for more and more and more. The kind of prayer that repaired the worst of the worst mistakes and made me stronger at the broken places. All of my broken places.
So here I am today, a living example of Jesus leaving the 99. He rescued me every single day until He repaired and restored the worst of my worst. How marvelous, the grace that caught my falling soul. And while my home may be finished, I know now more than ever, that I definitely am not. There’s so much self renovation left to be done. And taking God for granted cost me years of joy and peace. If I’ve realized anything, especially recently, it’s that.
There are some things that will forever be part of me. And that’s OK today. Like the nightmares and monsters that have followed me since childhood.. they’re still under my bed and always will be. So I have a very small sleeping window that I work with. Character defects I thought I had long conquered, still come back in full force if I let my guard down. Hanging out with people who are full of the devil will bring out the same in me. 1st Corinthians says bad company corrupts good morals. I found this to be true. Christianity isn’t about having a perfect life. It’s making the best of imperfect people and situations.
When God remakes you, the journey is almost indescribable. Truly. If you think about the nature of life, the best things often come from the hardest processes. The pain of childbirth brings forth the greatest joy we as humans can experience. The crushing of grapes brings forth the sweetest wine. The pressing of olives brings forth the oil we’ve loved for generations. The butterfly dies to itself to become the butterfly. Jesus’ death on the cross brought salvation to the entire world. When it’s darkest, it’s the hardest.. but that’s when you keep going. Trust the process. Trust the plan. Trust Jesus. He’s left the 99. And He’s coming to rescue you.
*He left the 99 for me* cliff notes* Jesus doesn’t care how long your list is, He’ll fix every broken place * it doesn’t matter how many times you give up, Jesus never does * renovating a house is rewarding & hard.. & rarely are 4” nails really needed to put up one shelf * bad company corrupts good morals * paint does eventually wash out of hair * liquid nails takes a little longer * when God restores you, go ahead and cry.. but trust the plan * Jesus just left the 99 and He’s coming for you *
Colorful Chaos 