There’s always been something magical about the holidays, for me. Waking up to the smell of momma’s turkey and dressing meant the beginning of an amazing day. Extra chairs appearing out of nowhere meant company was coming. There was excitement in the air. Friends and family everywhere. Shopping. Singing. Hayrides. Laughter. Hugs. So many hugs. So much magic. The holidays have changed, but they’re still a season of joy. We need that now more than ever.

And what about the coming year? Sooner or later, as much as we would rather not, we have to put away the Christmas lights and face the reality of our today. I think we all know, there’s no hayride waiting in this new year. There’s a battle to be won and there’s joy in the morning. That’s what’s in front of us. But until then, God’s chosen people are being personally attacked on every front. And the enemy is huge. Just enormous. What we need here is a little God magic.

God magic.. like my mom’s Christmas magic, only way stronger. And real. God magic. God power. God showing up doing what He does. God taking the battle in front of us to a whole new level. Like He did with Gideon and the Midianites. If you haven’t lately, go to the book of Judges and read about Gideon. When Gideon first faced the Midianites, he and his soldiers were outnumbered 4:1. Then God told Gideon to reduce his army. REDUCE. He was already outnumbered 4:1 but God told him to make his army smaller until they were outnumbered 450:1. 450:1. Imagine yourself fighting with Gideon and 450 well armed soldiers are coming for just you. And you win. Now THAT’S a victory. THAT’S the God we serve, my friends. That’s the power of the almighty God. That’s God magic.

I empathize with Gideon. His weakness was fear. I myself have been paralyzed by fear. It’s awful. Fear that God will give me what I deserve instead of His endless grace. Fear that robs my days of the joy God has for me. Fear that keeps me watching for bad things to happen instead of singing praises for the victories He’s given me. Then I reread Judges, I look at my life and I realize that God moves for me exactly like He did for Gideon. Exactly. Even for me. It doesn’t matter when I’m outnumbered. Together with God, I become the majority. And I win. Every. Single. Time.

The enemy isn’t hiding anymore. He knows the end is near. He knows he loses. He’s boldly attacking the children of God. And He’s relentless. He hates us with a seething hatred that we can’t fathom. His army is so big, it grows by the minute. This is when we, as the chosen children of the ever living God, reduce our army. We stand fearless against the foe. We stand strong with our God. We stand on a faith that will never fail.

Sometimes, I really want to curl up and stay in this sweet, warm season of joy that the holidays bring. This time of year when problems are put aside and everyone reaches for peace. But there’s another joy, a deeper joy, for Christians, that’s found on the other side of war. We knew it when we chose Jesus. We didn’t choose an easy life, always full of parties and hayrides. We chose the life where God fights our battles and our joy comes in the morning.

When your hill is steep and your fear is big, remember Gideon. Reduce your worry, increase your praise and watch God work a little magic in your life.

*New Roads Less Traveled* a season of joy * cliff notes* Jesus wants our life to be full of joy * magic memories are made of lots of love * nothing smells better than momma’s cooking * you and God are a majority, no matter how big the enemy is * if the battle scares you, just read the end of the story. we win big. * God magic, God power, God kindness, God strength, God unfailing, God love, God joy,.. God*

I’ve debated for weeks about this entry. It’s by God’s grace alone that I’m here to share it now. I haven’t made any notes or outlined my thoughts, so it’s probably pretty raw and possibly a little scattered. We already know my tenses aren’t always right. But if my story is going to help anyone else, I have to tell it, don’t I? Somewhere, there’s someone else whose life has gotten heavy. Hard and heavy. And dark. Pitch black. Cold. Lonely. Scary. Hopeless. All the things. And that person needs to know that this is not their end. They are not alone. And this is not the way they’re going out. Because God.

The picture you see was my “plan”. It’s a bottle of blood thinners and a box cutter. Pink. Ordered from Amazon for the occasion. It came in a set of two, which was a better buy. Weird, the things you think about when you’re making such a plan. At the time, saving that extra fifty cents seemed like the right thing to do. As if removing myself from the world, somehow, wasn’t the wrong thing to do. I didn’t see any way out of the black hole I kept waking up in every single day. And I truly believed, deep down, my absence wouldn’t make a difference to anyone. If you’ve ever been where I was, you know that suffocating emptiness. Yet I’m here today, a stronger, happier me than ever before. Because God.

I went to church for a lot of years without ever having met Jesus. I went through all the motions. I talked about Him. Sang about Him. Prayed to Him. But somehow I never really knew Him. My walk was shallow at best, and at worst, it was dangerous to others struggling with their own faith. I was not a good example. Gradually I stopped going to church altogether. I was still a good person, right? I had walked the aisle, said the right words. Everywhere I looked there was someone living a life way worse than me. I was comfortable to keep ‘keeping on’ and give God whatever I had leftover, which was pretty much nothing. But even then, when I ignored Him, shamed Him, even raged at Him, He always loved me anyway. Because God.

The change was fairly slow but the damage was constant. Damage to myself, my relationships, my family. For years. When the Bible talks about God’s children wandering in the desert, I absolutely get it. Then the day came when I either stopped hearing God’s voice or He just stopped speaking to me. Either way, when the bottom fell out, I found myself alone. My entire life was crumbling so fast, it was like quicksand. The harder I tried, the worse things got. And let me tell you that when God wants His child to come back home, He will do whatever it takes to get their attention. Hear me.. WHATEVER it takes. For some people, it’s a simple God spanking and they’re right back where they’re supposed to be. But there are “others” who refuse to listen. It’s me.. I’m “others”. And God will pursue these other children until they stop running FROM Him and run TO Him. When I tell you that God picked me up, skinned me alive, turned me inside out and then body slammed me back to Him, I’m 1000% serious. This was my turning point. This was when I fell to my knees and begged to hear God’s voice again. And He spoke to me again. He left the ninety and nine for me. Because God.

You know, it’s so, so true that we never know what someone else is dealing with. My whole life, I can’t lay down alone at night without looking in the closet and under the bed. Repeatedly. I usually leave a light on and stay awake until somewhere between 3-4 am. That seems to be the time it’s easier for me to fall asleep. Nobody but my sister knows this. It’s not something that shows anymore than me ordering a pink box cutter. I guess that’s the main reason for sharing this now. God told me it was time and I’m happy to say that I’ve finally learned to listen. When I ran across the items in the photo today, I knew. Someone reading this is facing something hard. Really hard. Someone is tired, scared, losing hope and nobody knows. My sweet friend, this is to you.. I promise you, your sun is about to rise. Because God.

So I have a new plan now. One that’s overflowing with happiness. One that’s full of faith and family. One that is a daily testimony to the unbelievable healing power of Jesus. One that won’t fail. Because God.

*New Roads Less Traveled* because God * cliff notes * everyone has a beauty pageant wave.. that doesn’t mean they’re happy * God would prefer that we listen when He speaks * He has some crazy mad admonition skills when we don’t *wandering in the desert wasn’t just for the Israelites * there’s nothing better than coming home * your sun is rising because God’s son is risen * so hold on *

Anyone else feel like they’re caught up in some weird, unnatural time loop? One where the worst parts of history repeat, over and over. One where society doesn’t learn or grow. One where common sense is the enemy, normalcy is spit on & dishonesty is our new currency. Lying & cheating can literally buy anything. In the name of everything we once held dear, as the strongest nation in the world, how did we get here?

How, in the name of God, did we become so barbaric, that our entire Country is divided over the murder of millions of children? Somehow we aren’t divided over child trafficking. Somehow we aren’t divided over child abuse. Somehow we aren’t even divided over the Diddy. But live dismemberment of a baby is something people are fighting to protect. We have doctors, nurses and mothers, WATCHING as babies, born alive due to a botched late term abortion, lay alone until they slowly die… then calling that “women’s reproductive rights”.

We have entitled celebrities influencing the weak minded to move forward with every progressive way of thinking or else they’ll relieve us of their presence in the USA. Oh please, don’t threaten me with a good time. That’s one party I’m looking forward to. I’ll buy a ticket for any liberal celebrity who promises to leave my sweet America. Tim McGraw, Sam Elliot, Meryl Streep, Garth Brooks, Matt Damon, Robert Dinero..the list is long and boring. A big group of tired “has beens” who bring absolutely nothing to the table. The prices we pay every day just to survive, don’t affect them at all. They don’t live in our reality. But they will tell US how to vote so THEIR income isn’t impacted if they lose this election. And society grovels for them. I may be ill.

Then there are the thousands of people affected, and continuing to be affected, by Hurricane Helene. It’s not enough that those innocent people had their lives stripped from them by a manmade catastrophe. It’s not enough that our “government” has done nothing to help them. But we are still sending millions to other countries. We are also giving illegals homes and money to start life here, as tax paying American citizens suffer.

As all of this and so much other chaos is happening here, Russia and North Korea are now holding hands. Isn’t that sweet. And “evacuation exercises” are happening in Washington (just in case). Our “leaders” have lead us to a crippled economy and a violently divided society. They’re getting ready to abandon ship.

I really do try to find something positive for each blog post. Something that in some way sheds some light on a bad situation. Not this time. I can’t seem to find any peace lately. As a born again follower of Christ, I know my eternity is safe. Hallelujah! they can’t touch that. But it’s so hard to stand by and watch our world implode. As the Bible plays out before our eyes, my heart both cries and sings.

I cry for millions of murdered babies who would have grown up to be both left and right. I cry for millions of neglected veterans who are both left and right. I cry for abused children whose abusers are both left and right. I cry for our mistreated and forgotten elderly citizens who are both left and right. Do you see where this is going? At one time, we knew that the enemy of the American people, isn’t other people.

Jesus .. please flip these tables.

*New Roads Less Traveled * this path we’re on * cliff notes * history will repeat until we learn * we obviously aren’t there yet * we made the celebrities rich and famous .. we can make them not rich and not famous * there are no less than 10 different methods of birth control with dozens of variations in each. there’s zero reason to kill a child. and also, murder isn’t birth control. * when your right hand and your left hand work together, they’re so much stronger. and they accomplish more. what a concept. *

It’s taken me months to begin writing this entry. I’ve written and rewritten paragraph after paragraph. Up until now I’ve focused on my life and the train wreck that hit me. Now I love every amazing day and all of the bad stuff just seems far away.

Well..the bad stuff in my personal life is far away, but it’s epidemic in our society. There’s a sickness that has infected us all, pitting leader against the people, pastor against parishioners, child against parents, brother against brother and Americans against our sweet America. As Biblical prophecy unfolds before our eyes, my heart cries out for others to lift their voices with mine.

These roads we’re traveling are treacherous, at best. We’re walking in a darkness I never thought I would see. I guess it was naive to think I would live and die peacefully without actually seeing the end of time. I know Revelation is real and true, but I always thought it was pretty much for generations after me. Now I see our history erased, our world imploding, our government sucking the life out of the people who believed and trusted them, our citizens dying by the thousands in very unnatural disasters and the worst is far from over.

In my bible study over the last few weeks, Joshua and the battle of Jericho has repeatedly come up. That’s generally a sign that God’s trying to tell me something. So I read it again.. it’s been years. But this time I really read it. I studied it. And it hit differently.

The walls of Jericho were considered militarily impossible to breach. The sheer size stopped many armies from even attempting. Kind of like our government and the confused society it created. One huge wall of corruption and division that nobody knows how to defeat. They drink destruction, dance on the dying and assume their sins are untouchable. They laugh at devastation because it will make them more money. So very confident in their arrogance.. they are our Jericho.

So where does that leave us? Those of us who still believe in the Bible, the Constitution and the America we once knew. Well, my friend, it leaves us with a wall to overcome. It leaves us facing Jericho.

But how? How do we begin? The answer is simple. Not easy, but simplicity itself. Joshua couldn’t have brought down the walls of Jericho if there was division in his camp. They all had to be of one mind, one heart, one faith. If some of the priests had marched in one direction and blew their horns as God instructed but others marched somewhere else and didn’t bother to blow their horns, what would have happened? If there was division in their camp, would the walls have fallen? No. “Strength in numbers” isn’t just a saying. There’s nothing more powerful, there’s no army that can match a unified people. And our duly elected leaders, the Jericho that we face.. they know this.

So this is my new road less traveled. I’ve never really intended to be a political activist. I think I’m more of a wordy American with a deep faith, a big broken heart, a loss of belief in our government and a teeny bit of an attitude. But I’m lifting my voice to call others in my camp. I’m lifting my voice to beg my brothers for unity. I’m lifting my voice because I know that together, we can bring down the walls of Jericho. Let the first step begin with me. I’ll meet you there.

“New Roads Less Traveled” cliff notes * society is sick, Jesus is the cure * our government is Jericho, we the people are Joshua * the bigger the wall, the bigger the victory * strength in numbers is a thing.. and also there are more of us than there are of them * I don’t have a horn but my voice will be heard * God doesn’t give us the spirit of fear * I’ll meet you at Jericho * we’ll bring down that wall *

I know it’s been months since I’ve written. And it’s not because nothing has been happening. Life is still giving me plenty of content for my blog. I’ve just been trying to stay out of my head so much and enjoy living in the present. Maybe because my “present” is such a great place to be.. it’s nothing short of amazing. I went from years of being blindsided by “you can’t make this stuff up” to loving waking up every single day. Heart and soul, I’m covered by a blanket of love I can never deserve. That’s the real goodness of the real God. *Cover me Lord*.

Before I started this series, The Weaver’s Way, I prayed deeply for guidance. I prayed that somehow through my words, people would see what I see.. how intricately God weaves each tiny thread of our very being. The significance of God being a master weaver is how He takes a dirty, knotted mess, like my life, and turns it into a blanket of love and strength and faith. Jesus himself covers me, leads me, protects me. Cover me Lord has become a sort of mantra for me. I think it, pray it, say it out loud all the time. If you see me in public and I seem to be mumbling to myself, don’t be alarmed. I’m just praying, lol. *Cover me Lord.*

Losing mom, dad, David, the house and Angelwood has been my own teeny tiny apocalypse. Like watching a horrible train wreck, coming right at you, with no way of avoiding the inevitable collision. So one after the other, they hit me. And I floundered. Boy, did I flounder. Or actually, what’s worse than floundering? Tripping? Crumbling? Shattering? I did that.. all of the broken things. Until there were just tattered bits and pieces of what used to be. That was me and it was all I had left. *Cover me Lord.*

Then slowly .. so slowly, one at a time, pieces of me started falling back into place. The “me” I was supposed to be, showed back up. That’s when Jesus said it was finally time. He took His golden thread and He began weaving my most beautiful blanket. He held me in His arms. He spoke love and sweet peace to me. He untangled all the knots. He healed all the broken things. He restored my soul. *Cover me Lord*.

“.. and she wrapped him in swaddling cloths”. When Jesus was born, the first thing Mary did was swaddle him. She gently, ever so lovingly, wrapped him. He didn’t know anything except the warm security that covered him in the strength of the arms that held him. Just like me. When Jesus covers me, I know everything is going to be alright. I don’t know how, I just know it will. And that’s all I need to know. I made it. I crossed my darkest valley in the dead of night and I’m still standing. I’m covered by my Jesus, held firmly in his arms. Everything else is details. *Cover me Lord*.

* Weaver’s Way * day 4 * cliff notes * you can’t make this stuff up is a great testimony * you don’t realize you’re freezing until Jesus wraps you in His love * if you’re warm in your Jesus blanket, find someone who’s still cold and share * maybe it’s not a train wreck. maybe it’s the change you didn’t know you needed * joy really does come in the morning. hang on * you’re not broken, tattered pieces. you’re part of God’s quilt and you are perfect * cover me Lord *

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31

Walk and not faint. That sounds like heaven right now. Walk and not fall. Walk and not trip. Or walk and not get lost navigating the knots. My beautiful life tapestry is full of knots. Some are small knots.. but most are huge. Some are of my own making.. but most are not. Still, there they are, odd tangles everywhere marring the peaceful beauty I keep imagining for myself. How in the world can Jesus possibly weave something beautiful and perfect from this confusing, ugliness that is my life?

I’ve been struggling with this entry way more than I usually do. Hence the months since I’ve posted. Well, to be fair I’ve also been busy throwing my world into a twenty-five yard dumpster. If you’ve never done it, let me warn you it’s not for sissies. This has been the makeover from Hell, inside my house and inside myself. And now I have knots. Everywhere. Angry knots. Confused knots. Scared knots. Sobbing knots. I cry to Jesus every day. My heart aches in places I didn’t know were there. My life tapestry is a knotted mess.

Trying to describe the last 3 months in a blog post would be a mixture of Disney meets Jaws meets Jesus. Happiness meets desolation meets resurrection. And that’s where The Master Weaver comes in. The fixer of all things broken. The great un-knotter of me. While I’ve been hysterically spinning out of control, staying up all night just walking my house or crying myself to sleep.. unraveling, basically. Jesus has been patiently working, patiently weaving, patiently working out every single knot.

And I am once again humbled.

Sometimes .. and we all know this but somehow I clearly seem to have forgotten that sometimes .. it’s possible to be too close to something to see it. Lately, the overwhelming enormity of life smacks me in the face hard, often and repeatedly until I forget (ever so briefly) that not only am I unbreakable, but there is way more to my story and I’m going to be the one to tell it. Fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalms 139:14). God’s masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10). Beautifully stitched together by The Master Weaver. While I’m busy being full of myself and caught up in the chaos, He reminds me to stop, to trust and to look at what He’s already done.

And I am once again humbled.

I’ve come to realize that I praise God and His goodness with my voice. I say out loud that I have faith. I tell my friends that “God’s got me”. But in the quiet moments, I question. I wonder. I doubt. I fear. There’s no happiness anymore.. just waiting for my situation to get better and then I’ll praise Him again. When Jesus fixes this mess, maybe He’ll deserve my gratitude, right? Wrong. And bam. Just like that, there it is. A realization that literally brought me to my knees. The really ugly truth about the really ugly me. I’m the reason the tapestry of my life is in knots. No one else. Just me.

And I am once again humbled.

Jesus’ love for me is unconditional. How is it that my love for Him, isn’t? Where is my faith? Where is my joy? I always complicate the simplest of concepts. Always. The joy of my salvation is exactly that. Happiness from knowing Christ as my Lord. That’s it. Simplicity itself. It’s not based on what He does or doesn’t do. It’s not based on my situation. It’s not based on the knots in my life, or it’s not supposed to be. (Psalm 51:12) “Lord, this heart is hurting. Restore to me the joy of my salvation”. He is where I begin. He is where I end. He is everything in between. Why would I ever need more than that?

And I am once again humbled.

* Weaver’s Way * day 3 * cliff notes * I’m super clumsy * when I trip over my own knots, God picks me right back up * not all makeovers are fun * if growing pains were meant to feel good, they’d call them something else * Jesus takes my knots and makes them beautiful * He weaves my tapestry & keeps my heart warm * and also He loves me most when I’m at my ugliest * that’s why He’s the Master Weaver and I’m the thread * and I am once again humbled *

“Every moment of light and dark is a miracle.”
— Walt Whitman

It’s really early. Unbelievably so for someone who gets up anywhere between 9am and noon, depending on the previous night’s slumber (or the lack thereof). So 3:18am when I finally accepted that sleep isn’t in my immediate future. I don’t know why it took me so long. 1:11, 2:36 and now at 3:18, I find myself making those first few scratchy notes which will become wordy and super lengthy. All of my saved grammar tabs are open so maybe my commas, tenses and run on sentences are kept to an inoffensive minimum. And hopefully this becomes a meaningful blog entry that reaches someone on some level, somewhere. Good morning sunshine.

As per the norm, I’ve been working on this entry for about a week. Planning it in my head. Jotting down sparkling bits of wisdom and humor. Chuckling a little because I’m oh so clever. The content is running over but where is my starting point? What is my opening? Then it hit me. I need to write about the outline. Not write the outline.. write about the outline. The black parts surrounding all of the beautiful color in my life.

We all have them. I think we all avoid them or at the very least, we dread them. Sadness. Grief. Pain. Disappointment. Loss. Rejection. Regret. Loneliness. Did I miss any? The things that hurt so much, we question why. Those black times in life that block out the sun.. those are the black threads. I’ve spent my whole life running from them. Momma used to say that one day I would learn to confront. And she was right.. as momma’s tend to be. I have finally learned to stand. And every time I face a new giant, I add black threads to my tapestry.

What does Jesus say about the painful things? Where is He when we’re in crisis? Is He upset with me when I’m thrown into the middle of a war that I didn’t start, ask for or expect? Like any child who doesn’t want to be reprimanded, I’ve tried to not pray much about anything negative. I’ve just kind of scooted over it, focusing on being grateful for the many good things I have and praying for others. But it was still there. Wiggling that crooked little finger at me, like an annoying younger sibling, about to tattle if I didn’t hurry up and do it myself. So I did.

I told Jesus everything.. all about this ugly, horrible, painful battle I’ve been handed. The one He’s been watching from day one. The one He knew was coming. The one He prepared me for, I just didn’t know it. When I bowed and asked for His direction, ready to accept defeat and walk away, the answer I got wasn’t what I expected. Not by a long shot. I was ready to cut and run. He very clearly told me to stand and confront. I’m pretty sure my momma danced a jig when He did so. The rebel in me may have danced a step or two, too.

Nowhere in my bible does God tell me to always fold. Nowhere in my bible does God tell me to run from devils, demons or any other evil I face. Just the opposite. He tells me that He’s beside me, behind me and He’s holding me in the palm of His hand. No weapon on this earth can hurt me. That’s when I honestly realized I had already won the war. The final outcome is exactly the same for me, whether I run or whether I fight. But the casualties on the other side.. catastrophic for my enemies. And these are my black threads. These deeply dark, sometimes scary battles I’m fighting.. I embrace them with all of my heart and soul. They are God moving in my life. Bring on the black threads.

Losing mom. Four weeks later, losing dad. Ten months later, losing David. And now, losing this place he and I called home for fourteen years. I can’t even describe to you how much I thought I hate this time..this bleak winter I’m in. I’ve wanted to run, far and fast. I’m not sure the exact moment I realized that this is not just another winter.. it’s my most important hour. My most beautiful. My strongest. My blackest. This is my outline. When I stopped whining and telling God how wrong this is, He showed me the tapestry He’s been weaving out of my life. He showed me all of my colors, so breathtaking. He showed me my patterns, so intricately beautiful. Every twist and turn, filled with love, laughter & miracles. Every road in my life, perfect in its own imperfect way, is bound by beautiful black threads. Outlined one stitch at a time, by God’s own hand.

Wherever you are. Whatever your battle.. He’s got you. He’s working right now in your life, outlining your tapestry with strength and filling in your roads with color. Just take a breath and know the darkness of your today highlights the blinding beauty of your tomorrow. Believe that.

I wish you black threads, my friend. Beautiful, glorious, unbreakable black threads.

* Weavers Way * day 2 * cliff notes * sometimes I think God and I are in different time zones * when healing comes from courage, courage comes from Jesus * my momma is dancing a jig in heaven * daddy had two left feet but he’s dancing too * my heart is dancing with them * Jesus made me wordy instead of math-y * and also He turned these scraps of me into something usable for Him * this is my moment .. watch me shine *

First, Happy New Year!! Here’s to 2024 and New Beginnings!! I’ve been thinking, for weeks, about a new direction for mybrokencrayon. The Jezebel Diaries gave me an opportunity to create something new and unique.. to warm up my writing and find my voice. I vented and vented and vented again. And you let me. You embraced me. I quickly learned that rereading my past blog posts isn’t always a good thing. There are a couple of entries I’d like to edit out altogether. But a big part of that is me wishing I could erase the initial situation that the post is about. Wouldn’t it be so great if life had a delete button? Just for those really, really bad chapters.. the ones that fall somewhere between general nuclear waste and the apocalypse. You know what I mean? No? Just me? Aahhh, lucky you.

Well, in honor of the coming new year and with full faith that it’s going to be better than the last few, I’m happy to start my new series: The Weaver’s Way. Like it? I considered several things while trying to decide on a name. It’s surprisingly hard for me to pinhole one concept about my life. Shocking, I know. But God did help me focus on something that everyone has and that’s when it became clear. We all have ups and downs. We all have good and bad. Happy and sad. Exhilarating and excruciating. That’s nothing new. It’s what makes life life. The joys and pains of the day to day.. those things are a tapestry. And every person has one that’s completely unique.

I’ve always loved the thought of a handwoven tapestry. There’s something about the care it takes to make one. So intricate, so painstaking, so rare. Just one single thread at a time becomes a breathtaking story, the only one of its kind. Tell me, what could be more beautiful? You and your story are a work of art. Me and my story.. outside of the box, yes, but be that as it may.. even I am a masterpiece. I am so many broken pieces, all gently and lovingly knitted back together. I see now that each and every break is another light reflecting facet. My life is like the Hope Diamond of life stories. And I’m going to weave for you, one thread at a time, a beautiful tapestry of my Jesus and His unbelievable love for me.

A weaver .. one who is wise in the ways of mending that which is torn.

Just as Jesus stitched something beautiful from what threads I had left, may He pick you up and wrap you in a blanket of love like you’ve never known.

Happiest of New Years to you all. To truly love is to wish someone the very best. And I wish you Jesus.

* Weavers Way * day 1 * cliff notes * 2024 is full of promises and I’m going to enjoy every one * past apocalypse is just that..past. leave it there. * I finally see the beauty in my story & I am breathtaking * Jesus wove your story one thread at a time. you are nothing short of majestic..remember that. * if anyone tries to dim your beautiful colors, just wrap them in your tapestry & show them what love is.*

Happy holidays my friend. Yes, already, I know. Same here. One day it’s Spring, it’s Mardi Gras and I’m enjoying my crawfish like any good southern girl. When I turn around, the crawfish are gone, it’s Halloween and the unofficial beginning of the holidays is here. Faster than a blink. Like the sunrise and sunset (or death and taxes), they come every year whether we’re ready or not. They come bringing happiness and stress. They come bringing joy and tears. They come bringing endings and new beginnings. Such is the natural order of life. Whatever you’re in the midst of today, I hope this holiday season brings you laughter and peace and love like you’ve only imagined.

J-Diary Day 10 finds me reflecting, as most of us do right about now. We Jezebels already overthink our multitude of imperfections.. hence the entire reason for using the name “Jezebel” (the most imperfect of women). The end of another year is the ideal time to overthink my every flaw, in conjunction with each situation I could have, and should have, handled differently. Everything I could have, and should have, handled in a way that reflected Christ. Sadly, every year, that’s a really long list.

I’m finding that list gets longer, the older I get. Our new world and the progressive way of doing things is getting on my nerves. We Jezebels have seen a lot.. the old “been there, done that”. We can roll with whatever comes. We’re good at it. But the changes in society nowadays are outside the realm of all normality. Am I the only one who’s having a hard time? I mean, with ordinary everyday things like manners.. or the lack thereof, being friendly, showing respect, simple courtesy. These are what I consider “the finer things in life” and they’re all but extinct. We’re becoming so focused on getting ahead that we’re leaving behind the things that matter. Our lives are more about how far we can go and how fast we can get there, instead of how we are walking the path in front of us.

Our parents and grandparents went through the same things. Generations upon generations have dealt with change and progress. But not all change is progress. Just because something is new or different, doesn’t mean it’s better. This path we’re on is old and rocky. My feet are old and tired. And yet, as much as I want to, I can’t step aside and let our world continue to deteriorate backwards. I really do want to. This is when I’m supposed to slow down, sit back, watch soap operas, make cookies with grandkids and watch the generation behind me continue to change and improve our society.

But the generation behind me can’t decide their gender. The generation behind me seems to have been born with no spine because they stand for nothing. The generation behind me has been blessed to the point that they’re coddled, whiny, entitled and lazy. The generation behind me calls for the complete destruction of our way of life without a breath of a plan to replace it. The generation behind me laughs at law and order because they’ve been taught that rules don’t apply to them. The generation behind me has zero idea who Jesus is or how to find him because He’s not an app on their phone.

The generation behind me is why my old feet are new, walking on this old path that’s also new. My parents and grandparents weren’t part of the technology boom. When our world hit the nitrous, they passed the torch to us.. to my generation. And we don’t just keep up .. we still lead the way. We lead because we were taught to lead the person behind us, so they could also go forward. We stand because we were taught to stand up for ourselves, our family, our Country and our God. We speak because we were taught to speak up and use our voices to make a difference. The generation behind me should prepare themselves for a hard, hard education that comes from the experience of making painful mistakes.

So, my old feet stand me back up. I take off my apron and set down my cup of tea. I prepare my heart for this battle. I prepare my soul for more miles on this path. This old, rocky path that’s littered with new wrongs. This old, rocky path that is choking to death from new weeds. I’m not alone on this new old path. It’s me and those like me, that will set it right. We’re the only ones who can. We are the mistake makers, risk takers, boundary breakers and the change makers. We know where we came from. We know how we got here. We use our strength, our experience, our knowledge and our voices, because to do less is to deny the very blood in our veins. We don’t forsake our Country or our God. It’s passed time to remind the generation behind us just what it takes to walk this path.

Jezebel diaries * day 10 * cliff notes * jezebels overthink our flaws, over correct our mistakes & over remember our past * the more imperfect the life, the more beautiful it blooms * erasing the path you walked will find you lost in a scary world * my new path is old, my new feet are old & Jesus is ageless * my gift of gab will never be silent until heaven is my home * the generation behind us is obliterating every good thing about our world * imploding isn’t progress * let us all remove the bubble wrap from our up & coming leaders that they will not curl up in a safe place when all Hell breaks loose * this once sweet jezebel has become quite cranky with the life sucking & self centered * Lord Jesus keep my old feet on this old path a while longer because the generation behind me is so lost *

Living in limbo.. that’s me. And I don’t mean the cool, “shimmy under the broomstick, how low can you go?” limbo. Oh no. That would be way too much fun. I mean the limbo that keeps your entire life so up in the air that you don’t have a direction or a plan or even a timeframe when that might change. Limbo. That strange place between worlds where you’re not moving forward but not going backwards either.

Hello my friend and thank you for joining me! If you’re new to my page, welcome! If you’ve read my words before, thank you so very much for coming back. Your wordy girl is still hanging in there, figuring out my corner of the world, a little more each day. Finding my voice again. Finding my faith again. And finding myself. The last two years have really been unbelievable. A constant barrage of hard, shocking, excruciating, terrifying, amazing, beautiful, revealing, life taking.. and life giving. All the things. Yet here I am, still standing, and the best version of myself that I’ve ever been.

Quick recap for those new to my page. I lost both of my parents a month apart. Eight months later, I lost my husband. The grief was, and some days still is, just overwhelming. Time doesn’t stop so we can try to wrap our minds around a new, empty reality. And neither do the bills. Nothing stops. Nothing slows down. I tried so hard to keep up. I tried to function. I tried to focus on running my catering business, even though I could barely string two words together. I stayed up all night, mind racing, afraid to close my eyes. I cried all day every day for months. I had never even experienced grief and I was drowning in it.

Fast forward to today and I’ll spare you a million tedious details. I can’t believe it’s been a year. Time sure flies when you’re in the twilight zone. Looking at me then and looking at me now, I clearly see two different people. I was broken. I was confused. I was scared. I was lost. I was alone. And in that time, when I was so raw I couldn’t remember what it felt like to not hurt, and I was so exhausted that I didn’t want to get back up.. I heard His voice. I heard Him. I heard Jesus again. The loving Jesus I met as a young girl. The almighty, everliving God of our fathers. The Holy Spirit .. the very breath of God, spoke peace and comfort to me. And I knew I was no longer alone in this.

Now.. there’s a certain amount of fitting in that we all must do. It’s how we exist from day to day. It’s how we succeed. We go with the flow. But Christians are called to be different. We’re not supposed to fit in. Which is actually a good thing for me because I never have. But here’s where I personally lost my way. In just keeping up with our new super-duper, fast paced modern life, I didn’t make time for God. I made time for television and social media, but I gradually stopped spending time in prayer. I started saying a quick “goodnight Lord, please bless my friends and family” before I dozed off. I took my faith for granted, which means I took my God for granted, too. It’s no wonder I wasn’t prepared when grief hit me like a freight train. And it’s no surprise that God caught me when I fell.

So, I started this entry about livin’ in limbo. Because I am. My whole life, I’ve always been a “tell me what you want & I’ll run with it” kind of girl. Give me the basics and I’ve got it from there. Let me fix it. Let me make it. Let me take it to a whole new level, whatever it is. Just don’t leave me hanging. But that’s exactly where I am, at least for a while longer. Living in limbo. And it’s finally, finally OK with me. I don’t know why I felt like I could only truly, deeply praise God when everything was in order. Maybe I thought there was no way He could ever be in the midst of chaos and my life has had its fair share of that. What I know now is what I should have known all along. He brings peace to the chaos. When I’m in the middle of my biggest storm, He’s not just beside me. He has His arms around me and He won’t let go. Why would I ever run from that? Bring on the limbo. God will dance it with me.

Jezebel diaries * day 9 * cliff notes * grief will absolutely change you. hold tight to your faith so the change is a good one. * yes, I hear God’s voice and the ladies on The View can stick that in their microphones * come to Jesus with a child’s faith and He’ll teach you how to be a grown up * social media keeps us from socializing * Jesus will happily do the limbo with me. we’ve got this.